i needed something to do between the to do lists

every morning i tell myself to do a set number of things; vacuum, get groceries, read a magic book, play a song, jump up and down, deliver pizzas, tell companies im a father with kids, act sick on the phone so i dont have to perform, lots of things. in any case, i needed something to do to fill in the gaps. maybe i just need an audience for some of these thoughts, im not sure. maybe i dont. the problem with an audience is that im too afraid to be completely honest about people, about interactions i have, about relationships that I have, which probably shouldn't be the case at all. so ill just try and be honest.

blogging feels a lot different than journaling in that i know someone's going to read this. it's going to take me a little while to get used to this, all the post settings and the blog tools are already getting to me. i generally just write in an empty notepad file.

Maybe I'll try writing with proper capitalization. I feel a little more dignified this way, and I've been starting to write this way in my actual journal for quite a while now. It does make me feel like I'm composing my thoughts a little bit better, though that might just be an illusion.

I've been watching extras and for some reason the scene where david bowie sings little fat man sold his soul made me really anxious about my own career in a way, like I've sold out performing magic tricks for kids who don't care about it. But then there are kids who really love it and make me feel happy that I'm performing for them. I'm not even sure anymore. There's so many things to fill my time with that I'm constantly unsure of which things I should do, and even when I go with the ones that my heart tells me make me feel the best about myself, I still end up feeling pretty miserable about my choices. This could be the drug comedown. Since we're being honest, I ended up doing coke for a year straight and not getting enough sunlight. I've been a month clean from the stuff, exercising and getting sunshine and getting my life together. It's been pretty good.